Some families run on love. Others run on power, control, and performance.
If you grew up in the second kind, you’ll know the feeling: sitting at the table, every word, look, and silence charged with unspoken rules.
These aren’t just habits, they’re survival positions. Once the roles are set, the system protects itself. That’s why you can be 40, 50, 60 years old and still feel 8 when you’re in that room.
Every system has its cast:
These figures can be parents, siblings, in-laws, or bosses. They might wear different masks in public and private, but the impact is the same: you learn it’s not safe to be fully yourself.
- Over the years, you learn your role:
- The Fixer who smooths the chaos.
- The Scapegoat who absorbs the blame.
- The Golden One who performs to keep the peace.
- The Invisible One who stays quiet to avoid being a target.
These aren’t just habits, they’re survival positions. Once the roles are set, the system protects itself. That’s why you can be 40, 50, 60 years old and still feel 8 when you’re in that room.
The Players
- The Puppet Master: orchestrates every move, often from behind the scenes. Never overtly cruel, they just make you dance.
- The Judge: never wrong, always watching, ready to deliver a verdict.
- The Charmer: all smiles in public, all manipulation in private.
- The Snake: delivers the cutting remark with a sweet smile, then says “Oh, I was only joking.”
- The Controller: demands loyalty, dictates choices, punishes autonomy.
These figures can be parents, siblings, in-laws, or bosses. They might wear different masks in public and private, but the impact is the same: you learn it’s not safe to be fully yourself.
Why You Can’t Win
Here’s the truth no one likes to admit: you can’t “win” against someone who needs you to lose.
Narcissistic systems thrive on keeping the balance tilted. They’ve been playing this game longer than you’ve been alive.
That’s why the advice to “just cut contact” often doesn’t fit, because sometimes, you can’t leave the table.
They’re your parent. Your boss. The co-parent of your children.
What You Can Do When You Can’t Leave the Table
You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you hold yourself in the room.
- Name the role they’ve given you, then quietly refuse it. You don’t have to announce your rebellion. You simply stop playing the part.
- Use “grey rock” energy when they bait you. Flat. Neutral. Dull. Save your emotional colour for safe people.
- Set boundaries in plain language, then stop defending them. “I’m not discussing that.” Full stop.
- Keep a written record for yourself. Gaslighting can make you question your memory. Your notes will keep you anchored in reality.
- Build pockets of life they can’t touch. A class, a hobby, a friendship circle that exists outside their reach.
- Armour when you must, soften when you choose. Your armour is not weakness. It’s a tool, one you control.
This is survival work. It’s about holding onto your selfhood in a system built to erase it.
You don’t need their approval to exist. You don’t need their permission to be whole.
You can’t change the table but you can choose how you sit at it.
